Drawing the Line: Why Setting Boundaries is the Ultimate Act of Love
Hello again, I’m Roslyn Saunders, and as a Codependency Recovery Coach, I spend a lot of time talking about the “B-word”: Boundaries.
For many of us, the very idea of setting boundaries in a relationship feels terrifying. We worry that saying “no” or expressing a need will spark conflict, hurt our partner, or—worst of all—lead to abandonment. But here is the truth I’ve learned through years of coaching:
Boundaries are not walls to keep people out; they are gates that let the right love in.
Without boundaries, we lose ourselves. We become resentful, exhausted, and eventually, we stop being the person our partner fell in love with in the first place.
What Boundary-Less Love Actually Looks Like
If you aren’t sure where your boundaries are (or if you even have them), look for these common signs:
- The “Yes” Reflex: Saying yes to plans, favours, or intimacy when every fibre of your being wants to say no.
- The Emotional Sponge: Feeling responsible for your partner’s moods. If they are angry or sad, you feel it’s your job to “fix” it or you feel guilty for being happy.
- The Vanishing Act: Giving up your own interests, values, or time with friends because your partner doesn’t approve or because you want to be “available” at all times.
- The Fear of Feedback: Keeping your feelings bottled up because you’re afraid that speaking your truth will “rock the boat.”
How to Start Setting Boundaries (Without the Guilt)
Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it requires practice. Here is how you can begin to reclaim your space and your sanity:
1. Define Your “Non-Negotiables” You cannot set a boundary if you don’t know where your limits are. Take some time for quiet reflection. What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel respected? What are the things you are no longer willing to tolerate?
2. Use “I” Statements Communication is key. Instead of saying, “You always demand my time,” try: “I need Tuesday evenings to myself to recharge so I can be more present when we are together.” It’s about your needs, not their faults.
3. Start Small You don’t have to overhaul your entire relationship in a day. Start with small boundaries—perhaps it’s asking for 20 minutes of quiet time when you get home from work, or choosing the film on a Friday night.
4. Accept the Discomfort When you first start setting boundaries, it will feel uncomfortable. You might feel like you’re being “mean.” This is just the “codependency detox.” Lean into the discomfort; it’s a sign of growth.
5. Remember: Boundaries are a Filter A healthy, supportive partner will respect your boundaries, even if they find them challenging at first. If someone consistently reacts with anger, manipulation, or “guilt-tripping” when you express a need, that is vital information about the health of the relationship.
The Mindset Shift: Boundaries = Freedom
In a codependent dynamic, we think that being “limitless” is a sign of devotion. It isn’t. It’s a recipe for burnout. When you set boundaries, you are actually teaching people how to love you. You are saying, “I value myself enough to protect my energy, and I value this relationship enough to be honest about what I need to stay in it.”
True intimacy can only exist between two people who know where one ends and the other begins.
Is Your Relationship Lacking Boundaries?
If you find yourself constantly over-extending, people-pleasing, or feeling “lost” in your partner’s world, it might be a sign of codependency. Understanding your patterns is the first step toward a healthier, more balanced life.
Ready to find out where you stand?
👉 [Take my FREE “Am I Codependent?” Quiz now] and start your journey back to a more empowered, authentic you.