Hi, I’m Roslyn Saunders, and I’m a Codependency and Recovery Coach.
I work with many wonderful people who feel trapped in cycles of unhealthy relationships. One pattern I see frequently is the intricate, often painful connection between codependency and alcohol addiction. If you’re wondering, “How are codependency and alcohol addiction connected?” – you’re asking a crucial question, and you’ve come to the right place to explore it.
It’s a dynamic that can leave everyone involved feeling exhausted, misunderstood, and stuck. But understanding the connection is the first step towards untangling it and finding a path to healing – for everyone.
What is Codependency?
At its heart, codependency is a relational pattern where a person neglects their own needs, feelings, and well-being to focus excessively on fixing, managing, or pleasing another person. It often involves deriving a sense of self-worth from being needed, even if that “need” is tied to unhealthy behaviours in the other person. Key characteristics can include:
Difficulty setting boundaries
An overwhelming sense of responsibility for others’ feelings or actions
People-pleasing tendencies, often fearing conflict or rejection
Poor communication of one’s own needs
A tendency to be drawn to relationships with needy or troubled individuals
What is Alcohol Addiction (Alcohol Use Disorder)?
Alcohol addiction, or Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), is a chronic disease characterised by an inability to control or stop drinking despite negative consequences 1 in health, work, or relationships. It’s not a matter of willpower but a complex condition affecting the brain.
The Intertwined Connection: How They Fuel Each Other
So, how do these two distinct issues become so tightly linked? They often create a self-perpetuating cycle:
Enabling Behaviours: This is perhaps the most direct link. A person with codependent traits might inadvertently enable the alcohol addiction. This doesn’t mean they cause it, but their actions can shield the person with AUD from the natural consequences of their drinking.
Examples include:
Making excuses for their behaviour (e.g., calling in sick for them).
Covering up their drinking or the problems it causes.
Taking over their responsibilities (paying bills, managing childcare alone).
Providing money that might be used for alcohol.
Cleaning up their messes (literal or figurative). While often done out of love or fear, these actions prevent the person with AUD from fully facing the reality of their situation, which can delay their motivation to seek help.
Focus and Control: The person struggling with codependency often focuses intensely on the person with the addiction – trying to control their drinking, anticipating their moods, managing the chaos. This external focus becomes a way to avoid looking inward at their own pain, unmet needs, or feelings of inadequacy. The (illusion of) control over the external situation provides a temporary, albeit unhealthy, sense of purpose or stability.
The Need to Be Needed: Codependency can involve deriving self-esteem from being the “rescuer” or “caretaker.” The person with AUD, in their state of dependence, fulfils this need.
This creates a dysfunctional dynamic where the codependent person feels indispensable, even while feeling resentful, exhausted, or hurt. Leaving the situation can feel threatening to their sense of self.
Shared Roots: Often, both codependency and a predisposition to addiction can stem from similar origins, such as:
Growing up in a dysfunctional family environment where needs weren’t met, or emotions weren’t healthily expressed.
Experiences of trauma or neglect.
Low self-esteem or a lack of self-worth.
Maintaining the Cycle: The person with AUD may rely on the codependent person to manage life and mitigate consequences, making it harder to change. The codependent person, despite the pain, may fear the change that recovery (for either person) might bring – What will their role be? Will they still be needed? This fear can subconsciously sabotage recovery efforts.
Breaking the Cycle: Hope and Healing
Understanding this connection is vital because recovery often needs to address both sides of the dynamic.
For the person with codependent traits: Healing involves shifting the focus back to themselves. This means learning to set healthy boundaries, prioritising self-care, understanding their own needs and feelings, building self-worth from within, and detaching with love (meaning caring for the person without taking responsibility for them or trying to control them).
For the person with alcohol addiction: Recovery involves seeking treatment for AUD, taking responsibility for their actions, and learning healthier coping mechanisms.
For the relationship: If the relationship continues, recovery requires both individuals working on their respective issues, often with professional support (like therapy, coaching, or support groups).
Recognising these patterns is not about blame; it’s about awareness. It’s about realising that you can’t control another person’s addiction, but you can control your own responses, behaviours, and choices. You can choose a path of healing for yourself, regardless of the choices the other person makes.
If this resonates with you, please know you’re not alone, and change is absolutely possible. Taking that first step to understand the dynamic is huge.
Ready to explore your own patterns and start your recovery journey? Feel free to reach out or explore the resources on my website.
Book a confidential, free 20-minute chat with me today. Let’s talk about you.
Warmly,
Roslyn Saunders
Addiction & Recovery Coach
Registered NDIS Provider (Psychosocial Recovery Coaching)
Member of the International Institute for Complementary Therapists (IICT)
