The People Pleaser Penalty – How Codependency Stalls Careers and What to Do About It
Does this sound familiar? Your workload is already overwhelming, yet when a colleague asks for help on their urgent project, you hear yourself saying “Of course!” Or perhaps you stay silent in a meeting, despite having a valuable idea, because you don’t want to rock the boat or risk disagreement. Maybe you consistently take on extra tasks, hoping your dedication will finally be noticed, only to feel exhausted and unseen.
If these scenarios resonate, you might be caught in the trap of people-pleasing at work. As a Codependency Recovery Coach here in Australia, I see this pattern frequently. While often disguised as simply being “nice,” “helpful,” or a “team player,” chronic people-pleasing is frequently a symptom of underlying codependency – and it often comes with a hidden career cost I call the “People-Pleaser Penalty.”
Why We People-Please: The Codependency Connection
Codependency, at its core, often involves basing our self-worth on external validation – on what others think of us and how much they need us. In the workplace, this can manifest as an intense drive to be liked, indispensable, and conflict-avoidant. We might:
Fear rejection or disapproval if we say no.
Feel excessively responsible for others’ workloads or feelings.
Struggle to differentiate between being liked and being respected.
Avoid conflict at all costs, even when it means sacrificing our own needs or integrity.
Believe our value comes solely from our service to others.
This isn’t just about being accommodating; it’s a survival pattern often learned early in life, now playing out in our professional sphere. And unfortunately, these deeply ingrained behaviours can significantly stall our career progression.
The Career Costs: How People-Pleasing Becomes a Penalty
While you might think being the ever-agreeable, helpful employee is the path to success, codependent people-pleasing often backfires:
Over-Commitment Leads to Burnout & Mediocrity: Constantly saying “yes” stretches you too thin. Your quality of work can suffer, deadlines might slip, and you inevitably burn out. Instead of looking capable, you can appear unreliable or overwhelmed.
Lack of Boundaries Invites Disrespect: When you don’t protect your time and energy, others may (consciously or unconsciously) take advantage. You might become the go-to person for undesirable tasks, hindering your ability to focus on high-impact work aligned with your goals. Resentment builds, impacting your morale and engagement.
Avoiding Healthy Conflict Stifles Growth: Innovation and progress often require constructive disagreement and diverse perspectives. If you consistently avoid speaking up, offering alternative viewpoints, or giving necessary feedback, you may be perceived as lacking initiative, critical thinking skills, or leadership potential.
Difficulty Delegating or Taking Credit: The need to be indispensable or a fear of burdening others can lead to an inability to delegate effectively. Similarly, you might downplay your own contributions, preventing key decision-makers from seeing your true value and impact.
Prioritising Likability Undermines Authority: Making decisions based on keeping everyone happy, rather than on strategy or what’s best for the project or company, can erode your credibility and perceived competence, especially in leadership roles.
Essentially, the very behaviours you hope will gain approval often prevent you from achieving the respect, recognition, and advancement you deserve.
Breaking Free: What You Can Do About It
Recovering from workplace codependency and mitigating the People-Pleaser Penalty takes awareness, courage, and practice. It’s about shifting your focus from external validation to internal self-worth and professional integrity. Here are steps you can begin taking:
Acknowledge the Pattern: Recognise when you’re saying “yes” out of obligation, fear, or guilt, rather than genuine willingness and capacity. Awareness is the crucial first step.
Get Curious About Your “Why”: Gently explore why you feel compelled to please others. What are you afraid might happen if you don’t? Understanding the root helps dismantle the pattern. (This is often where coaching or therapy provides significant support).
Practice the Power of the Pause: Before automatically agreeing to a request, give yourself permission to pause. Say, “Let me check my workload and get back to you,” or “Can I think about that?” This creates space to make a conscious choice.
Start Small with Saying “No”: Saying no doesn’t have to be harsh. Practice polite but firm refusals: “Unfortunately, I don’t have the capacity right now,” or “My current priorities mean I can’t take that on, but perhaps X could help?”
Define Your Boundaries: What is acceptable and unacceptable for you regarding workload, communication hours, and types of requests? Get clear on this for yourself first, then begin communicating and upholding these boundaries.
Focus on Respect over Likability: Remind yourself that professional respect is built on competence, reliability, and integrity – which includes honouring your own limits.
Embrace Discomfort: Setting boundaries or disagreeing might feel uncomfortable initially. Recognize this discomfort as a sign of growth, not danger. It will lessen with practice.
Seek Support: You don’t have to do this alone. Talk to a trusted mentor, therapist, or a Codependency Recovery Coach like myself. Learning and implementing these changes is significantly easier with guidance.
Breaking free from the People-Pleaser Penalty isn’t about becoming selfish or difficult. It’s about developing healthy self-esteem and professional boundaries that allow you to contribute your best work sustainably, build respectful relationships, and create a career that truly aligns with your potential.
It takes courage to change these deep-seated patterns, but the freedom and authentic success you can achieve are well worth the effort.
If you recognise yourself in these patterns and are ready to build healthier professional boundaries and reclaim your career potential, I invite you to learn more about codependency recovery coaching. Visit my website at www.roslynsaunders.com.au or book a complimentary clarity call to discuss how I can support you.
