Hi, I’m Roslyn Saunders, and I’m a Codependency and Recovery Coach.
G’day everyone, Roslyn here. As a codependency recovery coach, I often hear from individuals who feel a deep sense of emptiness, a persistent feeling that they are somehow not enough. They pour their energy into pleasing others, seeking validation from the outside, and often find themselves in relationships that are unbalanced and ultimately unfulfilling. Sometimes, this pattern is labelled “Self-Love Deficit Disorder”.
Now, while “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” isn’t a formal clinical diagnosis, the term resonates deeply with many who experience the core wounds of codependency. It beautifully, albeit informally, captures the profound lack of internal validation and self-compassion that characterises this way of relating to oneself and others.
Think of it like this: imagine trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. No matter how much you pour in, it never truly fills up. For individuals experiencing what we call “self-love deficit,” external validation is the water, and the “hole” is the lack of a strong, secure sense of self-worth. They constantly seek external approval, love, and attention to feel okay, but it’s a temporary fix, never truly addressing the underlying issue.
Where Does This “Deficit” Come From?
The roots of this pattern often lie in early life experiences. Growing up in families where needs weren’t consistently met, where criticism was frequent, or where love felt conditional can deeply impact our sense of self-worth. We might have learnt that our value depended on pleasing others, being “good,” or achieving external milestones. This can lead to internalising the belief that we are inherently flawed or not deserving of love and care simply for who we are.
As adults, this can manifest in various ways:
People-pleasing: A constant need to say “yes” even when it harms our own well-being.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Fear of rejection or abandonment makes it hard to assert our needs and limits.
Attraction to unavailable or unhealthy partners: Recreating familiar dynamics from childhood where we had to work hard for love and attention.
Low self-esteem: A persistent feeling of inadequacy and self-criticism.
Dependence on external validation: Our mood and sense of worth are heavily influenced by what others think of us.
Neglecting our own needs: Prioritising the needs of others above our own, often to our detriment.
The Path to Filling Your Own Bucket
The good news is that healing from this “self-love deficit” is absolutely possible. It’s a journey of learning to cultivate that internal wellspring of self-compassion and validation that should have been nurtured from the beginning. It’s about learning to fill your own bucket.
Here are some crucial steps on this path:
Self-Awareness: The first step is recognising these patterns in your own life. Do you constantly seek approval? Do you struggle to say “no”? Understanding your behaviours and their roots is key. My codependency quiz can be a helpful starting point in gaining this awareness.
Setting Boundaries: Learning to say “no” and assert your needs is vital. It’s not selfish; it’s an act of self-respect. Start small and gradually build your confidence in setting healthy limits.
Practising Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a mate in need. Challenge your inner critic and learn to accept your imperfections.
Identifying and Meeting Your Own Needs: Start paying attention to what truly nourishes you – emotionally, physically, and mentally. Make time for activities that bring you joy and help you feel grounded.
Building a Strong Sense of Self: Explore your values, interests, and passions independent of others. Discover who you are at your core.
Challenging Negative Beliefs: Identify the limiting beliefs you hold about yourself and actively challenge their validity. Replace them with more positive and realistic affirmations.
Seeking Support: Connecting with others who understand and can offer support is invaluable. This could be through therapy, support groups, or working with a coach like myself.
Healing from a “self-love deficit” is a journey of reclaiming your inherent worth and learning to nurture yourself from the inside out. It’s about shifting from constantly seeking external validation to building a solid foundation of self-acceptance and self-love.
If any of this resonates with you, please know that you are not alone, and there is hope for a more fulfilling and balanced way of living. I offer a free discovery call to discuss your quiz results and explore how my coaching can support you on your journey to recovery. You deserve to feel whole and loved, starting with the love you give yourself.
Book a confidential, free 20-minute chat with me today. Let’s talk about you.
Warmly,
Roslyn Saunders
Addiction & Recovery Coach
Registered NDIS Provider (Psychosocial Recovery Coaching)
Member of the International Institute for Complementary Therapists (IICT)
