Hello and welcome back to the blog. It’s Roslyn here, and today I want to dive into a question I see pop up quite a bit, one that often carries a load of anxiety and confusion: “Is being clingy toxic?”
It’s a question that hits close to home for many of us who have navigated or are navigating codependency. We might fear being perceived as “too much,” or perhaps we’ve been on the receiving end of behaviour that felt overwhelmingly needy. Let’s unpack this, because the answer isn’t a simple yes or no.
First, let’s talk about what “clinginess” often looks like. It can manifest as a strong, sometimes overwhelming, desire for closeness and constant reassurance in a relationship. This might look like:
- Excessive texting or calling a partner throughout the day.
- Feeling anxious or upset when your partner needs time or space alone or with others.
- Requiring constant validation of your partner’s feelings for you.
- Struggling with independent activities or friendships outside of the relationship.
- A fear of abandonment that drives your behaviour.
Now, is this inherently toxic? Not always. The desire for connection is a fundamental human need. In the early stages of a relationship, a strong pull towards each other can feel exciting and natural.
Wanting to spend time with someone you care about is a healthy part of building intimacy.
The distinction, and where the “toxic” element can creep in, lies in the motivation behind the clinginess and its impact on the relationship and the individuals involved.
When Clinginess Might Veer Towards Unhealthy or Toxic:
Clinginess can become problematic when it stems from a place of deep-seated insecurity and a desperate need for external validation to feel okay about yourself. In the context of codependency, this often links back to:
- Fear of Abandonment: A core wound in codependency is often a profound fear of being left. This can lead to holding on too tightly, believing that constant closeness is the only way to prevent someone from leaving.
- Lack of a Solid Sense of Self: When our self-worth is heavily tied to being in a relationship or the approval of another person, we might become overly reliant on that person for our sense of identity and value. This can fuel clinginess as we try to maintain that external source of validation.
- Difficulty with Boundaries: Both setting and respecting boundaries can be challenging in codependency. Clinginess can involve pushing past a partner’s need for space or time alone, not respecting their individual boundaries because of our own anxiety.
- Attempting to Control: Sometimes, excessive contact or a need to know where a partner is at all times can be a form of attempting to control the relationship and alleviate personal anxiety, rather than a genuine expression of healthy connection.
When clinginess leads to a partner feeling smothered, controlled, or guilty for having their own life, that’s when it starts to erode the health of the relationship and can be experienced as toxic behaviour. It creates an imbalance where one person’s anxiety dictates the dynamic.
Healthy Connection vs. Unhealthy Clinginess:
What’s the difference then, between this potentially toxic clinginess and healthy attachment or a strong desire for connection?
- Healthy connection is built on trust, mutual respect for individuality, and a balance between togetherness and personal space.
- It allows for both partners to maintain their own interests, friendships, and sense of self outside of the relationship.
- There is a feeling of security that doesn’t require constant reassurance.
- Boundaries are respected and communicated openly.
Moving Towards Healthier Relating:
If you recognise patterns of clinginess in yourself, or if you’re in a relationship where this is a dynamic, please know that change is absolutely possible. This is often deeply rooted in past experiences and beliefs. Healing involves:
- Building Self-Worth from Within: Shifting from relying on external validation to cultivating an internal sense of value and lovability.
- Addressing Fears of Abandonment: Exploring the origins of these fears and developing coping mechanisms to manage the associated anxiety.
- Learning and Implementing Healthy Boundaries: Understanding what healthy boundaries look and feel like, and the importance of both setting and respecting them.
- Developing Your Own Interests and Identity: Nurturing your own hobbies, friendships, and goals outside of a romantic relationship.
“Clinginess” isn’t a fixed personality trait; it’s a behaviour often driven by underlying fears and insecurities. While the feeling of wanting to be close is natural, when it becomes an overwhelming need that compromises your own well-being or the health of your relationships, it’s a sign that there are deeper aspects to explore and heal.
If this resonates with you, remember that seeking support, perhaps through coaching or therapy, can provide you with the tools and understanding to build more secure attachments and healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Sending you strength and clarity on your journey.
Reach out for free 20 minute discovery call.
With warmth,
Roslyn.
