If you’re wondering how to manage triggers at Christmas and this holiday season, then know you are not alone.
Despite the marketing hype, carols being piped through shopping centres, and everyone telling you how fabulous their Christmas will be, many people – particularly those in recovery from any addiction, including codependency – find holiday season a very tricky and difficult time to navigate.
For many years, I dreaded Christmas. When I was married, I dreaded the situations brought about by my husband’s drinking. After I left my marriage, I struggled with not being around my family at Christmas. And even though I went to visit friends on Christmas, who had kindly included me in their celebrations, it wasn’t quite the same.
The sinking feeling about how I would manage at Christmas would start to come up around September (I joke that this happened not long after I’d recovered from Easter!). Over time, however, I developed strategies and the emotional muscle for managing better. Now, with the benefit of wisdom and experience, I share these tips for managing at Christmas with my clients. Even after many years since leaving my marriage, I continue to adhere to these practices myself.
Why does Christmas trigger us?
Emotions and behaviours that have been contained throughout the year can be like a time bomb that explodes at Christmas and over the holidays. The slightest trigger can set us off into our own addictive behaviours, which are long standing programs acquired during our formative years. You may also have certain negative associations with Christmas from your childhood or adult relationships. From my own perspective, I just wished I could go to bed, wake up, and find Christmas was over.
Unhealthy responses to these triggers may present as the excess consumption of alcohol, drugs, food, and overspending. It can also present as drama, control, extreme busy-ness, martyrdom, subordination, and exhaustion. This can bring about loneliness, depression, anxiety, and isolation.
Each of these addictions is an issue in itself. However, they are actually symptomatic of a deeper underlying condition. In fact, it is this underlying condition that needs to be addressed – not just at Christmas or holidays. It needs to be addressed, full stop.
You might be wondering “What condition are you talking about?”
It’s codependency, which in my opinion, is the mother of all addictions. Codependency is the condition of the lost self, which we look away from because we can’t face it.
Whether it’s food, drugs, alcohol, spending, control, or other lifestyle addictions which we accept as normal in society, the codependency that sits underneath it is what needs to be addressed and healed.
How do you deal with unexpected triggers at Christmas?
Dealing with unexpected triggers at Christmas takes some planning and preparation. Like all situations that we prepare for, there is a better chance of a healthier outcome, and we tend to feel more supported going into the situation.
If you know there will be situations over Christmas and the holiday period when you could be triggered, it is wise to take time beforehand to put together a strategy for managing.
You can do that in the following ways:
- Working with your coach or mentor to develop a plan.
- Write out the reasons you are attending the event. What are your motives? What are the benefits of going? Write these down with as much honesty as you can.
- Write down responses or scripts so you are prepared in the event that unexpected conversations come up. Remember the full stop! Saying less is best.
- Scaffold up beforehand by resting, eat well, exercising, getting outside in the sunlight, reducing any dramas, and moderating the number of commitments you have. For example, instead of going to multiple places on Christmas, visit just one.
- Ensure you have that person on speed dial before, during, and after the event.
- Allow yourself space after the event so you can download with your coach or mentor to realign.
- Rest. Give yourself time to rebalance. This is worth doing even if the event has been manageable.
- Plan something that you would really love to do. It could be meeting with a safe friend outside of family, cooking a meal that you really enjoy, scheduling events with people whose company you enjoy.
If, despite the best plans, you are triggered, know that’s okay too. Having prepared beforehand you have the scaffolding in place to support yourself out of the situation. Understanding this can actually diminish the impact and fear of going into situations like Christmas or holidays and feeling concerned about triggers.
Create a new story around Christmas and holidays
Regardless of past programming and the challenges we have experienced during childhood or as adults, we can heal, change, and create a new story around Christmas and holidays so we can genuinely enjoy them.
For me now, I look forward to all celebrations. I’ve learned to enjoy them applying the strategies I’ve described above. Over time, as we commit fully to our recovery from codependency, we discover a new healthier way of living is possible and when triggers become more the exception than the rule.
As this holiday approaches, know there is support and hope available if you find this time the hardest and loneliest to get through.
Roslyn Saunders is a codependency recovery coach with a mission to lead a global movement to raise awareness around the root cause of all addiction: codependency. Roslyn can be contacted directly on 0439 339 166 for one-to-one coaching to address codependency in all areas of life. Roslyn discusses this and other related topics in her book Recover from Codependency, which is available on Amazon. Other free resources are available here to provide support and scaffolding for people who struggle at these times.
If you’re struggling and don’t know How to manage triggers at Christmas, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
Roslyn Saunders can help you achieve your goals and make a real difference in your life. Book a free coaching call with Roslyn Saunders today.
