We live in a world that sells us a very specific, polished version of love. From romantic comedies to curated Instagram feeds, the message is often that “true love” should be effortless, conflict-free, and perpetually happy.
For those of us with codependent tendencies, this “happily ever after” myth can be dangerous. We either chase an impossible standard of perfection, or worse, we stay in toxic situations waiting for the potential of the relationship to finally magically materialise.
Recently, there has been a lot of talk about the “70/30 Rule” in relationships. But what is it, and can it actually save a relationship that feels like it’s on the rocks?
What is the 70/30 Rule?
The concept is refreshingly simple. The 70/30 rule suggests that in a healthy, sustainable relationship:
70% of the time: The relationship feels good. You feel safe, connected, supported, and happy. The dynamic is relatively easy, and you enjoy each other’s company.
30% of the time: Things might be a bit difficult. This is the space for disagreements, minor annoyances, misunderstandings, or simply navigating life’s external stressors together.
The core philosophy here is that no relationship is 100% perfect. Expecting constant bliss sets us up for failure. By accepting that friction is a natural part of intimacy (the 30%), we stop panicking every time a disagreement arises.
The Codependency Trap: When the Ratio is Flipped
In my coaching practice, I often see clients who have unconsciously flipped this ratio.
When you struggle with codependency, you might find yourself in a relationship where you are anxious, walking on eggshells, or managing a partner’s volatility 70% of the time (or more), while living for those fleeting moments of peace or affection that make up the remaining 30%.
We cling to that small percentage of “good times” as proof that the relationship is worth saving. We tell ourselves, “When it’s good, it’s amazing,” ignoring the reality that “when it’s bad, it’s unbearable.”
Conversely, some recovering codependents swing the other way. We become hyper-vigilant. We view any conflict—even the healthy, normal 30%—as a sign of danger or rejection. We might try to people-please our way into a 100% conflict-free zone, suppressing our own needs just to keep the peace. That isn’t a relationship; it’s a performance.
Can It Save Your Relationship?
The 70/30 rule can be a powerful reality check, but it isn’t a magic wand. Here is how to use it as a tool for clarity:
It Normalises Imperfection: If you are ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble, this rule reminds you that disagreement is not doom. It gives you permission to relax and realise that you don’t need to agree on everything to be compatible.
It Highlights Imbalance: If you look at your relationship honestly and realise the “hard stuff” is taking up 60%, 70%, or 80% of your emotional energy, that is a major red flag. A relationship that drains you more than it fills you is not sustainable.
The 30% Must Be Safe: This is the most critical point. The “difficult” 30% should consist of normal human friction—irritation about chores, differences in opinion, or working through stress. It should never include abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, or fear. If your 30% involves feeling unsafe or worthless, the ratio doesn’t matter—the behaviour is unacceptable.
The Bottom Line
Healthy relationships provide a sanctuary, not a storm. If you are constantly fighting to get the balance right, or if you are exhausting yourself trying to turn a 30/70 relationship into a 70/30 one, it might be time to reassess your position.
Recovery is about seeing things as they are, not as we wish them to be.
Are you unsure if your relationship balance is healthy?
Sometimes, when we are in the thick of it, it is impossible to see the wood for the trees. If you are questioning whether your relationship is going through a rough patch or if it has reached its expiration date, I have a tool that can help.
This quiz is designed to help you cut through the confusion and gain some much-needed clarity on your next steps.
Warmly,
Roslyn Saunders Codependency Recovery Coach