Are You in a Relationship with a High-Maintenance Person? What It Really Means – and What to Do About It.
Hello and welcome back. It’s Roslyn here, and today I want to talk about a phrase that gets thrown around a great deal – ‘high-maintenance’ – and what it actually means when we look at it through the lens of codependency.
Whether someone has called you high-maintenance, or you’re quietly wondering if the person you love fits that label, this article is for you. Because I can tell you from over twenty years of experience in codependency recovery coaching: ‘high-maintenance’ is rarely the whole story.
What Does ‘High-Maintenance’ Actually Mean?
A high-maintenance person is typically described as someone who requires a significant amount of time, attention, reassurance, or emotional energy from the people around them. They may seem demanding, difficult to please, or perpetually dissatisfied. Common high-maintenance personality traits include:
– Needing constant reassurance and validation from others
– Becoming easily hurt or offended, often over small things
– Placing very high expectations on partners, friends, or family
– Struggling to self-soothe or regulate their own emotions
– Frequently feeling let down, misunderstood, or unappreciated
– Having difficulty tolerating being alone or independent
Now, here’s where it gets interesting – and where the codependency conversation begins.
High-Maintenance Behaviour and Codependency: The Hidden Link
In my work as a codependency and recovery coach, I see high-maintenance behaviour all the time. But I don’t see it as a character flaw or a personality type. I see it as a symptom – a symptom of unresolved codependency, often rooted in early experiences of emotional insecurity, unpredictability, or unmet needs.
When a person hasn’t developed a solid, stable sense of self – when their sense of worth has always been tied to how others treat them – they naturally seek enormous amounts of external validation to feel okay. They aren’t demanding for the sake of being difficult. They are terrified. Terrified of abandonment. Terrified of not being enough. Terrified that if they stop pushing, they’ll simply disappear. That fear-driven need for constant reassurance? That’s codependency.
But What About the Person on the Receiving End?
Here’s the part that doesn’t get talked about enough: if you are consistently drawn to high-maintenance people – if you find yourself running around trying to keep someone else emotionally stable, managing their feelings, working overtime to prevent their meltdowns – you need to look at your own patterns too.
This is the classic co-dependent dynamic. One person over-functions emotionally. The other under-functions. One gives endlessly. The other takes endlessly. And both parties are stuck.
If you find that you:
– Feel responsible for managing another person’s emotional state
– Dread upsetting your partner and will go to great lengths to avoid it
– Have slowly lost yourself in the effort to keep someone else satisfied
– Feel exhausted, resentful, and invisible in your relationship
…then the real question isn’t ‘are they high-maintenance?’ The real question is: ‘Why do I keep choosing this dynamic, and what does it cost me?’
Is Being High-Maintenance a Dealbreaker?
Not necessarily – but it does require honesty. If the high-maintenance behaviour in your relationship is rooted in codependency (on either or both sides), continuing without help is likely to lead to resentment, emotional exhaustion, and disconnection.
The good news is that codependency is recoverable. I’ve seen people completely transform these patterns – not by becoming cold or detached, but by learning to meet their own emotional needs, developing a genuine sense of self-worth from the inside out, and building relationships based on mutual respect rather than fear or obligation.
Recovery doesn’t mean you stop needing people. It means you stop desperately needing people to be okay.
What You Can Do Right Now
If you recognise yourself as the high-maintenance person:
Begin exploring where the need for constant reassurance comes from – a therapist or codependency coach can help with this. Start practising self-soothing: when you feel anxious or unsettled, pause before reaching out and ask yourself what you need. Work on building your relationship with yourself – journaling, mindfulness, and honest self-reflection are powerful starting points
If you’re the one on the receiving end:
Acknowledge that you cannot fix or stabilise another person’s emotional world – that is not your job
Start setting gentle but firm boundaries around what you can and cannot provide emotionally
Seek support: a codependency coach can help you understand why you’ve been drawn to this pattern and how to break it
A Final Word
‘High-maintenance’ is one of those labels that can feel shaming – for the person it’s applied to, and for the person using it. My invitation to you is to drop the label and get curious instead. What is really happening in this dynamic? What needs aren’t being met? What patterns were formed long before this relationship even began?
That curiosity is where healing starts.
If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to have a conversation. You can book a free 20-minute discovery call with me at roslynsaunders.com.au. You don’t have to keep running on empty.
With warmth,
Roslyn Saunders
Codependency & Recovery Coach