By Roslyn Saunders – Codependency and Addiction Coach Specialist
Have you ever wondered why you feel so tired all the time?
Perhaps you aren’t sleeping properly. Your stomach is unsettled. You have headaches, tension in your body, or you simply feel completely exhausted.
You may have been to the doctor.
You may have had tests.
And perhaps you’ve been told that everything looks relatively normal.
But I want to ask you a different question.
What is happening in your relationships?
Because in my years working in codependency and addiction recovery, I have seen something again and again.
People can become so focused on surviving an emotionally difficult relationship that they don’t realise the enormous toll it is taking on them.
Not only emotionally.
Physically as well.
Your Body’s Priority Is to Survive
Your body’s first priority is survival.
If you are living in a relationship where you are constantly anxious, waiting for the next argument, worrying about someone’s drinking, trying to control another person’s behaviour, or desperately trying to keep the peace, your body may spend a great deal of time in a heightened state of stress.
You might find yourself constantly asking:
What mood are they in?
Have I done something wrong?
Why haven’t they replied?
Are they drinking again?
Should I say something?
Should I stay quiet?
How can I fix this?
This is exhausting.
And yet, for many codependent people, this way of living becomes so familiar that they no longer recognise how much energy it takes.
You begin to believe this is simply who you are.
An anxious person.
An overthinker.
A worrier.
Someone who doesn’t sleep well.
Someone who is always tired.
But sometimes we need to look at the environment we are living in.
When You Are Constantly Walking on Eggshells
I often speak about codependency as an addiction to people, places and things outside of ourselves.
We become completely focused on what another person is doing.
Their mood determines our mood.
Their behaviour determines whether we feel safe.
If they are happy, we can relax.
If they are angry, distant, drinking, using drugs, withdrawing or behaving unpredictably, our entire nervous system can react.
We start walking on eggshells.
We watch.
We analyse.
We anticipate.
We rescue.
We fix.
We control.
And often, we completely abandon ourselves in the process.
The body doesn’t necessarily understand that the threat is an unanswered text message, an unpredictable partner or another argument about alcohol.
It simply responds to stress.
When stress becomes ongoing, it can affect sleep, energy, digestion, muscle tension and our general sense of wellbeing.
This does not mean that every physical symptom is caused by a relationship. Physical symptoms should always be appropriately assessed by a qualified health professional.
But I do believe we need to become curious about the connection between our emotional lives and the way we feel physically.
The Body Often Knows Before We Are Ready to Admit It
This is something I have seen many times.
A person will tell me:
“I just don’t feel like myself anymore.”
They are exhausted.
They have lost their confidence.
They can’t make decisions.
They are constantly anxious.
They don’t know what they want.
And when we begin looking at their relationships, we often discover that they have spent years putting everyone else first.
This is a very common pattern in codependency.
You may have become the fixer in your family.
The responsible one.
The person everyone calls.
You may be managing a partner’s addiction.
Trying to rescue an adult child.
Keeping the family together.
Making excuses for someone.
Covering up another person’s behaviour.
Or desperately trying to make a relationship work.
Meanwhile, your own needs have moved further and further down the list.
Eventually, there may be nothing left.
“But I Love Them”
I understand this.
Codependency is not about being stupid or weak.
Very often, it is connected to love.
We care deeply.
We want to help.
We see the potential in another person.
We believe that if we just say the right thing, do the right thing or love them enough, perhaps they will change.
But there is an enormous difference between loving someone and losing yourself trying to save them.
This is one of the hardest lessons in codependency recovery.
You cannot control another person’s recovery.
You cannot control whether they drink.
You cannot control whether they use drugs.
You cannot control whether they choose you.
You cannot control their mood.
You cannot control whether they understand you.
But you can begin to look at your own behaviour.
You can begin to ask:
What is this relationship doing to me?
That can be a confronting question.
But it can also be the beginning of recovery.
Your Body May Be Asking You to Pay Attention
Sometimes we spend years overriding ourselves.
We say:
“I’m fine.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“They’ve had a difficult life.”
“I shouldn’t complain.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“I just need to try harder.”
But your body may be telling a different story.
Perhaps you feel tense every time their name appears on your phone.
Perhaps you can’t sleep after an argument.
Perhaps you feel physically sick when they disappear or don’t reply.
Perhaps you are completely exhausted from managing everyone else’s lives.
These reactions are worth paying attention to.
Not with judgement.
With curiosity.
Because awareness is one of the first steps in recovery.
Recovery Is About Coming Back to Yourself
In my own recovery and in more than twenty years of working with people affected by codependency and addiction, I have learnt that recovery is not about changing everyone around us.
It is about changing our relationship with ourselves.
We learn boundaries.
We learn to say no.
We learn to stop rescuing.
We learn to sit with uncomfortable emotions without immediately reacting.
We learn that another person’s crisis does not always have to become our crisis.
And slowly, we begin to come back to ourselves.
Many people don’t even realise how exhausted they have been until they begin stepping out of the chaos.
There can be a moment where you suddenly think:
I can breathe again.
That is why I am so passionate about this work.
Recovery is possible.
But first, we have to become willing to look at the patterns that are keeping us stuck.
Are You Codependent?
You may not know.
Many people I work with don’t recognise their behaviour as codependency at first.
They simply know that they are exhausted, anxious and completely consumed by another person’s behaviour.
I have created a short, free Codependency Quiz to help you begin identifying some of these patterns. My current quiz asks six simple questions and is designed as a starting point for understanding whether codependent behaviours may be affecting your life.
Take the Free Codependency Quiz
Or, if you feel ready to talk about what is happening in your life, you can book a free 20-minute codependency help call with me.
You don’t have to work everything out today.
But you can take one step.
Warmly,
Roslyn Saunders
Codependency and Addiction Coach Specialist