Hello, lovely readers, Roslyn here.
For many of us, the word “addiction” conjures up images of substances—alcohol, drugs, or perhaps gambling. But in my decades of lived experience and coaching, I’ve come to see one thing clearly: Codependency is the mother of all addictions. It sits quietly beneath the surface, driving our need for external validation, our fear of being alone, and that exhausting habit of putting everyone else’s needs before our own. We become “addicted” to people, places, and things to fill a void that only we can fill for ourselves.
If you find yourself waking up with a sense of foreboding, wondering if you’ve done enough to keep your partner happy, or feeling like you’ve lost your voice entirely, I want you to know: suffering is optional.
Here are six ways to start peeling back the layers, getting back in your own “paddock”, and reclaiming your independence.
1. Get Back in Your Own Paddock
I often tell my clients that the first step to recovery is learning where you end and another person begins. When we are codependent, we spend all our time in someone else’s “paddock”—worrying about their choices, fixing their mistakes, and trying to organise their emotions. This leaves our own paddock overgrown and neglected.
The Shift: Today, notice when you are trying to control or “fix” someone else. Visualise yourself stepping back over the fence and focusing on your own responsibilities instead.
2. Learn to Say “No” with Posture
Many of us are “yes-aholics.” We say yes to things we don’t want to do because we fear disapproval or abandonment. But every time you say yes to someone else when your heart is saying no, you are betraying yourself.
The Shift: Practise saying “No, I won’t be able to do that” without offering a long list of excuses. It’s okay to decline an invitation if it doesn’t align with your values or energy levels.
3. Stop the “Busy-ness” Addiction
In my own journey, I was addicted to busy-ness. I thought if I was constantly doing, giving, and rushing, I was proving my worth. The truth? I was just running away from myself.
The Shift: Programme 10 minutes of “nothing” time into your day. No phone, no tasks, no helping. Just sit with yourself. It might feel uncomfortable at first—that’s the denial breaking—but it’s where healing starts.
4. Audit Your Integrity at Work
Codependency doesn’t just stay at home; it follows us to the office. Are you staying ungodly hours to be seen as the “saviour”? Are you eating your sandwich at your desk instead of taking a proper break?
The Shift: Reclaim your lunch break. Step away from the computer. By valuing your own time, you teach others to value it too. This is a vital part of realising your worth.
5. Challenge the “Happily Ever After” Myth
We are sold a version of love that says it should be effortless and conflict-free. For codependents, this myth is dangerous. It leads us to overthink every glance and replay every conversation to ensure we haven’t “ruined” the peace.
The Shift: Recognise that a healthy relationship allows for space, disagreement, and independence. You are not responsible for your partner’s perpetual happiness.
6. Face the Raw Honesty of Your Patterns
Recovery isn’t a silver bullet; it’s a process of peeling the onion. It requires us to look at our “walls of denial” and acknowledge how we’ve used others to feel safe.
The Shift: Get honest with yourself about your behaviours. Awareness is 95% of the battle. Once you analyse the pattern, you can no longer ignore it.
Ready to Break the Cycle?
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Roslyn, this sounds exactly like me,” then please know you don’t have to navigate this “swampy darkness” alone. Understanding your patterns is the first powerful stride towards lasting change and emotional independence.
Are you truly codependent?
The best way to find out is to take the first step towards clarity. I invite you to take my confidential Codependency Quiz. It only takes two minutes, and it will give you the insight you need to start your journey to emotional sobriety.
Take the Codependency Quiz Today
With warmth and firm encouragement,
Roslyn Saunders Codependency and Recovery Coach