The tension is unbearable. You’re asking yourself, “Should we break up?”—but another, quieter question is even more haunting: “Is this my fault? Am I unknowingly sabotaging the relationship?”
Before you make a life-altering decision, it’s crucial to pause and distinguish between two very different problems:
Fundamental Incompatibility: The relationship is simply past its sell-by date.
Self-Sabotage: You are creating the very problems you fear in an attempt to control the outcome.
If you suspect you are contributing to the instability, you owe it to yourself and your partner to clean up your side of the street first. Here are five powerful ways people unknowingly sabotage their relationships, and how you can stop the cycle.
1. The Proving Game: Picking Fights to “Test” Commitment
This is one of the most common forms of self-sabotage, often rooted in past trauma or deep insecurity. You consciously or unconsciously instigate conflict—you might provoke an argument, withdraw emotionally, or create a situation designed to measure your partner’s response.
The Sabotage: You are essentially saying, “If they love me, they will tolerate this level of distress and still fight for me.” You push them away to see if they’ll pull you back. The Fix: Real commitment doesn’t need constant testing. When you feel the urge to start a petty fight, pause. Instead, communicate the underlying fear honestly: “I feel insecure right now and I need reassurance,” rather than, “Why are you always late?”
2. Emotional Withholding: The Wall of Silence
When things get difficult, your natural response might be to shut down, build a wall, and refuse to share your true thoughts or feelings. You withhold affection, conversation, and vulnerability, believing you are protecting yourself from getting hurt.
The Sabotage: You are robbing the relationship of the necessary fuel for growth—intimacy and trust. Your partner cannot meet needs they don’t know you have, leading to a profound, painful distance. The Fix: Practise “micro-vulnerability.” Start small. Instead of saying, “I’m fine,” try, “I had a stressful day, and I need ten minutes to just switch off.” Opening up small cracks in the wall helps your partner reconnect without overwhelming you.
3. Future-Focussed Anxiety: Constantly Looking for the Exit
Instead of enjoying the present, you are constantly scanning the horizon for potential threats. You mentally review every minor conflict, every casual comment, and every lukewarm hug as proof that the end is near. You may even start talking to friends or family about leaving before you’ve tried to fix things with your partner.
The Sabotage: By mentally treating the relationship as temporary, you limit your emotional investment. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, as your partner senses your guardedness and pulls back in response. The Fix: Commit to being **”all in” for a fixed period. Promise yourself that for the next 30 days, you will suspend your anxiety and focus only on connecting today. If the relationship still feels fundamentally wrong after that focussed effort, you’ll know your anxiety was pointing to a real problem, not just manufactured fear.
4. Unrealistic Expectations: Demanding Perfection
We all enter relationships with expectations, but self-saboteurs often hold their partner and the relationship up to an impossible standard—a standard often drawn from films, social media, or a fantasy version of what they think love should look like. This leads to constant disappointment and resentment over trivial things.
The Sabotage: Perfectionism kills intimacy. By highlighting every minor flaw or mistake, you create an atmosphere where your partner feels they can never truly measure up. This breeds defensiveness and hopelessness. The Fix: Distinguish between deal-breakers and preferences. A deal-breaker is a non-negotiable value clash. A preference is your partner forgetting to load the dishwasher correctly. Focus your energy only on the things that truly affect your shared core values.
5. Secretive Independence: Over-Prioritising Autonomy
Independence is healthy, but secretive independence—making major decisions alone, managing finances separately, or refusing to merge your lives—is sabotage. This is often driven by a belief that relying on another person makes you weak or disposable.
The Sabotage: By maintaining a high, impenetrable level of autonomy, you signal to your partner that the relationship is secondary, and you don’t truly need them. This isolates you both and prevents the deep security that comes from healthy interdependence. The Fix: Choose one area to practise interdependence. Ask your partner to genuinely help you with a major project, or intentionally share a burden (like managing the monthly budget) together. Let them be there for you, even if it feels uncomfortable.
When Self-Sabotage Isn’t the Problem
You’ve read this list, you’ve tried to adjust your behaviour, and yet the dread remains. You’ve stopped testing, you’ve started communicating, and still, the relationship feels fundamentally wrong, draining, or hopeless.
If you have genuinely addressed your own self-sabotaging behaviours and the relationship continues to fail the test of time, you need to accept a difficult truth: The problem isn’t your behaviour; it’s the core compatibility.
Don’t let the fear of being at fault keep you fighting for a relationship that is simply not meant to be. The next step is a structured, objective evaluation to see if the relationship can genuinely meet your needs, regardless of your past self-sabotage.
Take the next step now. Roslyn’s comprehensive Should We Break Up Quiz is designed to take you through the most critical, often-missed questions to provide the objective clarity you need right now.
➡️ Get Your Verdict: Stop the emotional guesswork. Click Here to take Roslyn’s “Should We Break Up Quiz” and find your clarity today!
Following the quiz, I offer a free discovery call to discuss your results and explore how my coaching services—covering Codependency Coaching, Addiction Recovery Coaching, and Psychosocial Coaching—can help you rewrite your relationship story. You deserve a connection that uplifts you, not one that diminishes you.
✨ Your Call to Action:
Book your Free 20-Minute Discovery Call today. Let’s explore your unique situation and map out your personalised path. There’s absolutely no obligation—just a safe space to discuss how we can work together to transform your life.
Warm Regards,
Roslyn Saunders
Your Codependency and Addiction Recovery Coach (NDIS Provider)