By Roslyn Saunders, Codependency Coach and Recovery Coach
In my work as a Codependency and Recovery Coach,
Let’s be honest. The phrase “high maintenance” gets thrown around a lot. Usually, it’s a label we use to describe someone who seems to demand a lot of time, energy, and attention. Someone whose needs seem complicated or whose expectations feel impossible to meet.
Perhaps you’ve had the label placed on you, or maybe you’ve privately wondered if it describes your own behaviour in relationships.
As a codependency and recovery coach, I want us to take a deeper, more compassionate look at what this label truly signifies. Because often, what we dismiss as being ‘high maintenance’ is actually a cry for something much simpler: secure attachment, clear communication, and healthy boundaries.
The Root of the ‘Maintenance’
When someone is labelled high maintenance, the traits often include:
A constant need for reassurance or validation.
Emotional intensity or disproportionate reactions to small issues.
A tendency to control plans, environments, or other people’s behaviour.
Difficulty accepting minor setbacks or flexibility.
In the world of recovery, we realise these are not character flaws; they are often the visible symptoms of deeper relational trauma or codependency patterns.
When your needs were consistently ignored, minimised, or judged in your past, you develop coping mechanisms to ensure they won’t be ignored again. These coping mechanisms—demanding, controlling, or needing constant attention—are an overcorrection. You are, subconsciously, trying to organise your environment and the people in it to feel safe and seen.
It’s not that you inherently want to be difficult; it’s that you have developed an unhelpful strategy to avoid the pain of disappointment, abandonment, or feeling invisible.
The Critical Difference: Demanding vs. Defining
There is a huge difference between being demanding (which is the unhealthy, ‘high-maintenance’ side) and being defining (which is the healthy side of having high self-worth).
Unhealthy Maintenance (The Codependency Trap): This is when your happiness relies on someone else’s compliance. You make demands, seek constant external validation, and use emotional intensity or manipulation to get your needs met. You try to control the person, not just communicate your need.
Healthy Maintenance (The Boundary Breakthrough): This is about knowing your non-negotiables, communicating them clearly, and being prepared to walk away if those needs cannot be met. You define your standards, communicate your favourite ways to be treated, and then allow the other person to choose how to respond. If they choose poorly, your boundary does the work, not your demanding behaviour.
A person with healthy self-worth isn’t ‘low maintenance’—they are simply self-governed. They take responsibility for their own emotional regulation and communicate their needs calmly, without relying on control or emotional chaos to do the work for them.
From Chaos to Clarity
If you are realising that some of your ‘high maintenance’ tendencies stem from a fear of saying no, a fear of being rejected, or a deep-seated need to control, you are ready for a powerful shift.
The answer isn’t to become ‘low maintenance’ and deny your needs altogether. The answer is to become self-defined.
This transformation requires understanding where your boundaries are weak and why you fear expressing them directly. If you struggle with asking for what you want or standing up for yourself, you often default to demanding or controlling tactics to cover up that fear.
The most crucial step in shedding the ‘high maintenance’ label and stepping into genuine self-worth is strengthening your ability to establish and enforce clear, calm, and confident boundaries. You need to realise that ‘no’ is a complete sentence, and your needs are valid, even if they sometimes feel big.
Your Next Step to Self-Defined Living
If you’re ready to move past the chaos of codependency and establish the strong boundaries that will allow you to communicate your needs clearly and respectfully, you need to understand where your boundary-setting skills stand right now.
Are you truly able to say ‘no’ when you need to? Or do you fold under pressure and then resent the outcome?
I have a quick, illuminating quiz that will give you instant clarity on your boundary strength. It’s the first step in moving from a place of ‘high maintenance’ anxiety to one of quiet, confident self-respect.
➡️ Take the Quiz Here: Can You Say No?.
Roslyn Saunders is a Codependency Coach, Recovery Coach, and author, helping people across Australia and globally to break free from codependency and heal relationship addictions to live a life of emotional sobriety.