By Roslyn Saunders, Codependency Coach and Recovery Coach
For so long in my life, I believed that love meant saying ‘yes’. It meant putting everyone else’s needs before my own, bending over backwards, and sacrificing my own peace to keep the peace for others. If this sounds familiar, chances are you, too, have struggled with codependency.
As a Codependency Recovery Coach, I see so many beautiful, caring souls who are utterly exhausted and burnt out because they haven’t realised that love, real, healthy love, must include the power of ‘no’.
Voicing your boundaries isn’t about being mean, selfish, or difficult. It is, quite simply, the cornerstone of self-respect and emotional sobriety. It’s a message to yourself, and to the world, that you matter.
Why Do We Struggle to Speak Up?
The inability to voice boundaries often stems from deep-seated fears common to codependency:
Fear of Abandonment and Rejection: We worry that if we say ‘no’, the other person will leave us or no longer like us. We’d rather comply and suffer than risk losing the connection.
Fear of Conflict: We are desperate to avoid confrontation or upset. We become peacekeepers, believing it’s our job to manage everyone else’s emotions—a huge, exhausting burden that is not ours to carry.
A Need for External Validation: Our identity is often wrapped up in being the ‘nice one’ or the ‘helper’. Saying ‘no’ threatens that identity, as it might lead to disappointment or disapproval from others.
This fear keeps us trapped in a cycle of compliance, where we consistently betray ourselves. We say ‘yes’ when we desperately want to say ‘no’, and then we feel resentful, drained, and angry—often at the other person, but truly, we are angry at ourselves for not speaking our truth.
The Power of the Pause
The first step in voicing a boundary isn’t even about the other person; it’s about checking in with yourself. This is where ’emotional sobriety’ comes in—learning to sit with your feelings and listen to your inner voice.
When a request is made, practise the pause. Instead of an immediate, knee-jerk ‘yes’ (which is the codependent’s default setting), take a breath and say:
“Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”
“That’s a big ask; I need a moment to think about that.”
“I’ll have a think about how I can help, but I can’t commit to that exact thing right now.”
This pause gives you precious time to feel your body’s response. Does your stomach clench? Do you feel a wave of dread? If your body says ‘no’, listen to it. That is your authentic self speaking.
Simple Steps to Voicing Your Boundaries
When you are ready to voice the boundary, remember to keep it clear, simple, and kind—but firm. There is no need for over-explaining or excessive apologies.
Be Direct and Clear: Use ‘I’ statements.
Instead of: “I probably shouldn’t do that because I’m so busy,” (which opens the door for debate).
Try: “I’m not able to take that on right now.” or “I won’t be able to come on Saturday.”
Avoid J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain): When you over-explain, you give the other person ammunition to break down your boundary. A simple, polite refusal is a complete sentence. If they push back, simply repeat your boundary calmly.
Them: “Oh come on, it’ll only take an hour! Why not?”
You: “I understand, but my answer is still no.”
Be Kind, But Firm: A compassionate tone makes the interaction gentler, but do not let kindness be confused with compromise. You can offer an alternative, but only if you genuinely want to.
“I can’t manage a full commitment, but I’d be happy to help you with the prep work on Tuesday afternoon.” (This is an offer, not an obligation.)
Voicing boundaries is a muscle you have to learn to flex. It might feel awkward, scary, and uncomfortable the first fifty times, but that feeling doesn’t mean you’ve done the wrong thing. It means you’re challenging old, unhealthy patterns.
Recovery is about reclaiming your authentic self—the one who knows their own capacity, honours their own needs, and gives from a place of fullness, not depletion. That is the true meaning of self-care. Start small, be brave, and know that every time you voice a boundary, you are taking another powerful step towards a healthier, happier life.
Ready to Find Your ‘No’?
If you’re still wondering if you’re stuck in the ‘people-pleasing’ cycle, I’ve created a quick and insightful quiz just for you.
Take the ‘Can You Say No?’ Quiz now to discover where you stand and what your next steps in recovery should be.
➡️ Take the Quiz Here: Can You Say No?
Roslyn Saunders is a Codependency Coach, Recovery Coach, and author, helping people across Australia and globally to break free from codependency and heal relationship addictions to live a life of emotional sobriety.