By Roslyn Saunders, Codependency & Recovery Coach
If you are reading this, chances are you are exhausted. You feel stretched thin, perpetually resentful, and utterly burnt out. You say ‘yes’ when your entire body is screaming ‘no’, and then you spend days or weeks paying the price.
You are not alone. In my work across Australia, helping individuals navigate the tricky road of addiction and codependency recovery, I see this pattern of boundary breakdown daily. It is, quite simply, the foundation of codependent behaviour.
For those of us striving for emotional sobriety, learning to set boundaries is not a suggestion; it is a compulsory, life-saving skill. It is the defining marker of whether you are finally living a life built on self-respect or still clinging to the exhausting organisation of people-pleasing.
The Cost of the Open Gate
When you are codependent, your sense of self-worth is intrinsically tied to how useful you are to others. You are terrified of causing upset, afraid of conflict, and convinced that if you say ‘no’, you will be abandoned or judged. Consequently, your boundaries are not just weak—they are non-existent. You have left the gate to your emotional paddock wide open, allowing anyone and anything to trample through and deplete your reserves.
This is why setting boundaries feels so incredibly difficult: it triggers deep, old fears. Your codependency programmes you to practise sacrificing your own needs for the comfort and approval of others. But what you must realise is that every time you violate your own energy and time, you are feeding the very addiction you are trying to overcome.
Boundaries Are Not Walls, They Are Property Lines
I want you to rethink what a boundary actually is. A boundary is not a rigid, cold wall designed to keep people out. It is a clear, compassionate property line that defines what you are and are not responsible for. It is the loving, truthful communication of:
What you will accept: “I am happy to listen to you, but I will not tolerate yelling.”
What you will not do: “I cannot take on that extra shift this week as I need time for my recovery program.”
What belongs to you (and what belongs to them): “Your disappointment is yours to manage. My job is to maintain my integrity.”
When we fail to establish these lines, we end up living in reaction to everyone else’s crisis, chaos, and emotional state. Emotional sobriety, and true recovery, is about learning to stay firmly grounded in your own paddock—your own life, your own feelings, and your own responsibilities—and allowing others the dignity of standing in theirs.
Learning to Use Your Voice: The Essential Practise
So, how do we begin the practise of setting these essential boundaries?
Start Small: Begin with low-stakes ‘nos’. Can you say ‘no’ to that extra errand your neighbour asked you to do? Can you say ‘no’ to a phone call if you are feeling too drained? These small victories build the emotional muscle you need for the bigger challenges.
Buy Yourself Time: Instead of an instant, anxious ‘yes,’ respond with: “Thank you for asking, I need to check my calendar and I will get back to you.” This gives you time to step away, process the request, and make a decision that aligns with your best interests, not just your fear.
Use ‘I’ Statements: Frame your boundary around your capacity, not the other person’s fault. Instead of saying, “You always ask too much of me,” say, “I am currently committed to a difficult recovery programme and I cannot afford to overextend my time right now.”
This work is tough, but it is necessary. The initial discomfort and fear of rejection you feel when asserting yourself is simply the sound of your old, codependent patterns finally breaking down. Hold the line, and trust the process.
Your Recovery Starts with One Word
If you are reading this and nodding along, feeling that familiar churn in your stomach, it means you have reached a pivotal moment: the point of readiness. You know you need to change your behaviour, but perhaps you are unsure where your boundary baseline actually sits.
As a codependency coach, my job is to help you build the emotional strength to say ‘no’ with confidence and without guilt. The first step on this recovery journey is self-awareness.
I have created a simple tool to help you uncover your default setting: The Can You Say No Quiz.
If you are ready to claim your life, your time, and your recovery, take the quiz now.
Take the Can You Say No Quiz Here
Discover where your boundaries are weak and start building the powerful, authentic ‘no’ that will change everything.